An Admission

I’m there again. Hopefully not for long.

in progress, because I’m stuck in the darkness, trying to pull myself up by the trellis?

I need to get to the point quickly here, because my brain isn’t having it this week. I’ve had a relapse of this effing treatment resistant depression. It hit me like a bomb over the last week and a half or so, but I think maybe it was creeping up under the surface for a while, and I didn’t realize it at all. The only things I might have noticed if I’d been a little more self-aware was that I was having a hard time motivating myself to run, even though I was walking a lot as usual, and that I was craving carbohydrates and put back a few more pounds that I had lost when I get my thyroid meds adjusted last year. I didn’t notice any effect on my everyday functioning until last week after the intensely emotional panel discussion.

My brain chemistry is totally off, I can tell because my executive functioning sucks. The last few days it’s been hell trying to complete a task, I keep getting lost and wondering what I was doing. My sleep has been off, too, I keep waking up at 3 am and some days I can nap in the afternoon, but that seems to throw it off at night because my naps can be two hours or so.

I felt like crying two days last week when I woke up, driving to the Farmers Market, and the day before, I think. I did a little better yesterday until about noon, and then I was completely exhausted. I did finally make it down to the gallery and did a little painting and made it to a group critique with the piece pictured above.

I know it started with triggers of financial stressors because of several unexpected expenses that all surfaced at the same time when we’re already depleted from paying big bills like insurance and property taxes in the past month. My doctor being out of network and self-paying for that because I needed my meds and labs done didn’t help. And a few other medical costs are coming up soon too, big deductible chunk and getting this notice about facility fees for my upcoming mammogram didn’t help, either.

But there’s the even more powerful underlying and constant stressors of the feeling of being nearly powerless to deal with the political situation and the gaslighting and erosion of rights and violence and protecting criminals who abuse people, the institutional and financial abuses of working people, hearing about it from Dennis who is still working in the evil and abusive healthcare (sick uncaring) industry, the constant shoveling of shit to keep your head above it all so you can keep your own head straight, and it taxes my ability to stay mentally healthy. I do what I can to fight the political situation, but we have this government of evil idiots in place, firmly backed by a Congress of idiots, who are plotting to maintain a grip on power and unaccountability.

I did realize it on my own this time, and I called the nurse practitioner who treated me when I first started doing ketamine assisted psychotherapy. I haven’t been in for a treatment in about two years. I haven’t been doing really well, and this is all a learning curve. I got a two-plus year remission out of this, which is great, but I guess it’s time to get another treatment or two. I have a session scheduled for tomorrow and another one in two weeks. We’ll see if that knocks it back for a while.

Today I need to spend some time thinking about my intention for these sessions, to really nail it down so it’s in my subconscious. And then tomorrow I have a ride to and from the clinic from my neighbor, and this time I got grape flavored dissolvable tablets instead of the mint troches, which might be a good thing because I was really getting sick of the flavor of those after so many sessions. But I am looking forward to a couple of pleasant trips into ketamineland and the insights it brings me over the next few days, weeks, and months. We’ll get the music right, and I’ll have the same practitioner sitting with me as I dissociate into color or whatever happens in my brain for that time.

I’m going to put a video out today on my You Tube, just a short one. I’ve been trying to go easy on myself as far as getting things done, because I don’t need to load additional stress with expectations or shame. If I want to eat carbs, I do. If I don’t do my workout, it’s okay. If I don’t get to 25% of the things on my list, that’s okay too.

If you don’t hear from me for a few days or even a week, that’s why. I’ll be back as soon as my brain is able to handle everyday tasks. All of you, thank you for reading and I look forward to feeling and functioning better and being able to think clearly again.