Starstruck

The 63rd trip begins…

A partial sky view from the patio outside our room, 9 pm local time. Best birthday present ever.

As I write this, it’s 5 am and I’ve been awake for a couple of hours. I’m sitting in one of the queen sized beds in our room here at the resort, at some point during the night Dennis moved to the other bed and is now sleeping soundly. We stayed up later than usual last night, we went outside on the patio to look at the stars. I tiptoed around to make a cup of coffee when I woke up, now I am waiting for sunrise, which is still a couple of hours away. I can hear the wind picking up outside.

We came up here to my usual retreat place for my birthday, which was yesterday, since we found a dog sitter and Dennis has some time off. I usually come up here by myself in the spring, but later, like late April or early May. This year you can’t tell the difference because the snowpack is so low. I love this little spot, that looks east across the Arkansas River Valley, and southwest toward the Collegiate Peaks range. We look directly at Mt. Antero, and we are in the shadow of Mt. Princeton. I have climbed most of the peaks in this range.

We are above Chalk Creek and the giant limestone cliffs just up the road on the way to St. Elmo, and ghost mining town from the 1800s. Just on the other side of the mountains is the Gunnison Basin, where Dennis lived in Gunnison and I lived in Crested Butte when we met in 1986.

Here are some pictures from our trip up here and the pool area yesterday. The weather was perfect. It’s in the high 50s with a breeze, and at 9000 feet elevation, the sun is intense.

South Park, Buffalo Peaks, Collegiate Peaks, Chalk Cliffs, the relaxation pool, and a look up the valley toward Mt. Princeton. I could gaze at the clouds and listen to the wind whoosh through the pine needles all day

Today we will be headed to Salida, a town about 20 minutes from here, and then to our favorite winery. After that, back to the pool. I haven’t been to Salida in years, I usually come through Buena Vista on my way to Crested Butte and I go over Cottonwood Pass, bypassing Salida. These town have changed a lot, they’ve been gentrified but are still largely poor and economic deserts. Back in the days when we lived here and you could get by on less than 5 figures a year, rent was cheap, and it was just an outdoor playground, river rafting and outdoor recreation tourism were the drivers of the economy in summer, and being near several ski areas in winter. That hasn’t changed much, but digital nomads have moved in and built expensive homes and attracted more upscale establishments in the service industry. That’s about all. Healthcare is minimal, everyone has to drive to Colorado Springs, Denver, or Pueblo for any major needs. It’s quiet and beautiful.

Seeing the stars last night really made this trip for me. I miss sleeping under the stars like I used to do backpacking or kayaking, and just living up here in these mountain towns, being able to walk out at night into the darkness and look up anywhere in the massive sky.

The next few paragraphs might sound bleak, but these are the thoughts I’ve been having. They are just thoughts. Just noise. Constant background noise that gets louder at times, but is usually muffled when I’m in my peaceful place.

It’s been a week since my last ketamine treatment and I’m starting to wonder if the second one was worth it. Even though I felt physically better immediately after, it seems like I’m still struggling mentally. It feels like I felt better in the days and weeks after the first one. I think one maintenance treatment every 6 months or so will be enough.

Just having the usual worries and thoughts and anxiety about the future, about money, and all the crazy bullshit in our country. If you’re not unsettled about things, there’s something wrong with you. I think most of the world realizes by now that living in the U.S. is not as great as they once thought. I think people better versed in foreign affairs and economics (almost everyone outside the U.S.) understand that the government has failed the people, and that our relative wealth is a facade and it’s just the wealthy who are running things. Some of them feel sorry for the American people, but it goes so deep and the divisions have been building for so long that I don’t feel confident that we can repair it. We the people are screwed, at least for my life expectancy.

I want to keep my life from shrinking. I’m starting my 63rd trip around the sun and I hope I can still see some of my dreams happen before I get too old. They aren’t big or expensive. They do involve some travel, travel that used to be affordable but no longer is. I used to think I’ll be okay if I can just have the mountains, but with climate change we are facing wildfires, drought, and destruction of natural resource recreation because of irresponsible policies and disrespect of the planet we depend on.

It’s not looking too favorable because of the cost of everything. I managed to do a lot in my life despite always feeling like I was constantly fighting the forces of living in a country that judges and oppresses you. But now I live with that feeling of fear that so many Americans share, that the floor will collapse under you, that you don’t have a safety net, that you are doomed to an ever-limited set of options, even modest ones, because you couldn’t achieve a consistent or sustainable middle class lifestyle. Your best days are behind you, instead of being able to look forward to things in your later years.

I understand that my life is a microcosm of what is happening on the larger scale, and the pain of living when you can’t fit the mold, stuff your feelings and creativity, or stomach the hypocrisy.

Sociopaths rise to the top in this country. In everything.

I am already looking forward to going back to my art, my girls, and my little world. It’s not comfortable going on even a tiny vacation that breaks the budget, because it causes me more worry and stress. This is our reality and I’m not going to apologize for stating the facts.

Here are some of the pieces I am working on, progress as of this past Monday. They feel a bit chaotic, reflecting my inner world.

Finally got back to the floral, after having some ideas about how to improve it. The others are new, I’m playing with color and these will evolve into darker darks and lighter lights as I play with values.

I’m planning to enjoy the day with Dennis and the beautiful surroundings. Maybe I can take a nap by the pool. I can take videos and photos to use in my You Tube channel. Get some inspiration for future artwork. I have exactly one month until my next show.

Be well, readers. I’m hoping my spirits will rise over the next day or two. It’s almost sunrise…